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What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? 

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. 
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A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one
do you run over first, and why? 

The conductor. Business before pleasure. 
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Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? 

They've had so little use. 
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What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? 

The sack. 
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What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet 
concrete? 

Not enough concrete. 
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Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European 
Festival? 

The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. 
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What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? 

Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. 
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What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? 

There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. 
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What is the ideal weight for a conductor? 

About 2 1/2 lbs. Including the urn. 
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Why is a conductor like a condom? 

It's safer with one, but more fun without. 
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What's the difference between God and a conductor? 

God knows He's not a conductor. 
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What's the definition of an assistant conductor? 

A mouse trying to become a rat. 
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What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? 

Some conductors actually read Greek. 
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What do with a horn player that can't play? 

Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. 

What do you do if he can't do that? 

Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. 
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What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby? 

A baby sucks its fingers. 
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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, 
he's dead," comes the reply. 

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist.
At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." 


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A musician arrived at the pearly gates. 

"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. 

"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" 

"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist.
Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." 

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his
heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious
way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention.
Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, 
what's God like as a conductor?" 

"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's  Karajan." 


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It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables 
showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the 
conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate,
knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert,
so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. 

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them 
could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in
the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's 
concert. 

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody
passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this 
time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager
came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand
their money back. 

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse
standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what
do we have to lose?" 

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager 
asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll
try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its 
hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. 

"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me
see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front
paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through 
an entire movement. 

"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation
turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" 
The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, 
presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. 

"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then
the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager 
was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! 
What would the orchestra think?" 

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in
the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even
know they have a new conductor!" 


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Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living
in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping
happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing 
profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." 

"Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not 
see to step out of your way." 

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally 
the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a 
long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" 

"Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." 

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled
his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly... 
and those ears! You must be a rabbit." 

"Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" 

"Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. 

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in 
disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!" 


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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two 
beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." 
the clerk said. 

"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" 

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." 

"And the other?" said the customer. 

"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back
room for $30,000." 

"Holy moly! What does that one do?" 

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." 


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"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?" 

"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?" 

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A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary 
of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the 
timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, 
"All right! Who did that?" 

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A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his 
audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" 
asked the conductor. 

"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. 
In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" 

The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. 

"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the 
violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to 
catch the 1:30 train to London. 

Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said 
he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be 
a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 
1:30 train to London. 


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A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include 
ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many 
young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following 
rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate 
the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination 
and skill of the player.) 



1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes 
attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 

2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the 
music on the floor. 

3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded 
space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 

4.Look the other way just before cues. 

5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion
players must never have all their equipment. 

6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression
you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal 
favor.
 
7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, 
especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. 
Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably 
the best because they roll around for several seconds. 

8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet 
players are trained to do this from birth). 

9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune.
This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. 
(If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 

10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy
marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 

11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't
have the music. 

12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 

13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive 
about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 

14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. 
Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the 
first time you've conducted this piece?" 

15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your 
head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: 
make him wonder. 

16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, 
stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage 
just before the concert. 

17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others 
will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. 18.During applause, 
smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away 
your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something 
really important. 



It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: 
just who do conductors think they are, anyway? 

Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees 
from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and 
music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha 
Foundation of Tokyo.