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What's the first thing a musician says at work? 

"Would you like fries with that?" 
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What do you call a musician without a significant other? 

Homeless. 
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Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? 

Because most shops close by six thirty. 
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What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? 

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. 
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What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? 

The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses. 
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The stages of a musician's life: 


1.Who is name? 2.Get me name. 3.Get me someone who sounds like name. 4.Get me
a young name. 5.Who is name? 

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There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other
didn't have any money either. 

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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians 
were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the 
orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe 
player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor 
took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, 
humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." 


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Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. 
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. 

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on 
my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our 
descendants are all set for about three generations." 

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" 

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in 
the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that 
Texan guy. I donated five million to save the Children." 

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" 

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, 
"Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." 

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?" 

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St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" 

The man says, "I was a doctor." 

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you 
do on Earth?" 

"I was a school teacher." 

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" 

"I was a musician." 

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." 


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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel 
movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and 
tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." 

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" 

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes 
a powerful laxative. 

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" 

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you 
to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" 

"I'm a musician." 

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something 
to eat!"
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